singlehood

i have been officially single for quite some time.

it has taken me months (more than a year actually) to really accept my new status, but accept it i have. it didn't help that several of my friends have been getting married left and right, and that being single has some sort of stigma attached to it. at my age, when people hear that you're single, they almost always immediately assume that you would want to be set up with someone (with good intentions, of course), or there must be something hideously wrong with you (physically or psychologically).

i'm the type of person who likes to keep things under control and at bay, so in the advent of emotional turmoil, i immersed myself in a flurry of activity. i rarely allowed myself to be idle. even in those days where i  was on vacation, my mind was preoccupied with stuff that has nothing to do with rest and relaxation.

it came crashing down on me a few months back, and it was excruciating. it was the first time in a long long time that i felt truly alone and vulnerable. i underwent the whole break-up - anger - acceptance - phase in retrospect, which absolutely aggravated my loneliness and self-pity. but like every other phase in our lives, it all had to end eventually (thank you, lord!).

so here i am, officially single and still a work in progress with regards to status singledom. i'm still in the dark on the how's and why's of singlehood, but most of the time, i'm loving it. excluding my parents, i like the fact that i don't have to answer or "report" to anyone if i want to go somewhere. there's a certain self-empowerment in knowing that i can be more spontaneous and go into spur-of-the-moment adventures without thinking of anyone else other than myself. selfish, i know, but i have been living the "selfless" life for a number of years, so i'm taking this whole "selfish" phase as some sort of catching up for the selfless years. being single is not as bad as i initially thought it would be. :)

am i ready for a new relationship? no. and the funny part is that that is the one thing a lot of people do not comprehend. saying "let's be friends" is not my way of playing hard to get; i really mean it when i say it. after having lived in a semi-cocoon for quite awhile, getting to know new people has become a novelty for me. the differences i see between me and other people somehow highlight the quirks and little things i should love about myself. part of this whole singlehood experience is rediscovering myself, and as narcissistic as this may sound, i think i need to fall in love with myself first before i go  into another relationship.

now i'm sure this is all going to be one big adventure...